I got home last night and saw Hilary had beaten Obama by 10 points in Pennsylvania. Decided to turn off the TV before the news ruined the good mood I was in. I am 27 years old and I have never voted before. It’s not been out of apathy, it’s a deliberate abstention. I’ve decided that if Barack doesn’t win this nomination, I’m not going to vote this time either; a choice between Hillary and McCain feels like no choice at all.
Now every election year, I have to hear some guff from coworkers who disapprove of me not exercising my right to vote. I wish they’d exercise their right to remain silent. It’s called a “right” to vote. It’s not a civic duty or obligation in my opinion as so many would presume, it’s a voluntary act predicated on supporting one candidate and entrusting him or her with your future. In eight years, I’ve seen no such candidates I trust like that, so in eight years I’ve cast no such votes. Feels ridiculous to vote for someone just because I like the other guy less; no one should win the highest office in the land by attrition. So that’s why I haven’t voted yet, and I’m telling everyone now to leave me the heck alone about it. I love free speech but if anyone try to post a comment on this blog about why I should vote, my next entry’s going to be about “people who don’t follow directions” and why they shouldn’t be allowed to speak, dress themselves, operate a car or chew their own food.
For any other Generation X-ers who are tired of having their balls busted about their lack of involvement in the political process, here’s a list of tips for overcoming the unwelcome brow-beaters and guilt-trippers come election day:
1) Play the race card, even if you’re not black.
“Aww, you know how it is man, my people don’t vote!”
One might argue that this is setting your people back, but I’d make the case that anybody who’d believe that drivel likely already thought that about your people in the first place. You need to beat him the hell up and throw his ass in the dumpster. Nothing says “I need to be more progressive” than waking up in a BFI box covered in rotting food and used office supplies.
2) Play the memory card, make like you forgot somehow.
“It was today? For real? Aw man. That sucks. I was gonna vote this time too, I had my ballot pencil ready and everything…”
You’ll probably have to avoid conversations with people until towards the end of the day to make this really work. Every time you’re in the hallway, walk just a little bit faster with your head down and eyes fixed in the distance like you’ve got something super important and urgent on your mind.
3) Play the crazy card. Sit at your desk with the monitor off, muttering to yourself
“I wish somebody would ask me… telling me what to do with my vote… they never figured out why I ordered all those razor blades… somebody’s getting sliced like cheesecake today…
Not sure if you’ll still have a job in the morning, but what you will have is peace of mind, provided you don’t go all Daniel Day Lewis and get too “in character”.
4) Play the bathroom card, people will give you the benefit of the doubt thinking
“Nah, he’s too old to be playing around like that…” Go to the bathroom every three minutes, stay in there for fifteen minutes at a time, call on the Heavens for strength while you’re in there, make sure it’s at the top of your lungs. Nobody will know how to break the ice after that.
5) Play the militant conspiratorial anarchist card.
“See what I’m doing is not playing into the system man, they want to vote man, like there even is a vote. There’s no vote baby, they’re just tracking us. to make sure we stay under control man. We gotta bring it all down man, bring it all back to zero, so we can be free again, under me. No man, I’m cool cause I don’t need power, you can’t be a dictator if you’re cool, get it? I’d never be evil or any of that stuff man, we’d just all live and work together in a commune man, it’ll be awesome. There will be some ‘guidelines’ just to protect ourselves but yeah it’ll still be anarchy. Totally. I think they’re after my cat food.”
Or you could just concede that you’re going to spend the day hearing how much you’re pooping on the memory of everyone’s parents, grandparents and great-grandparents who bled specifically for you in World War I, World War II, Korea and Vietnam. Sweet. Should be fun, who needs to Netflix “Band of Brothers” when you’ve got Election Day anecdotes to look forward to?
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