Conserving Cash in Tough Times

4.13.08

  

In light of the upcoming recession that is curiously only now being referred to as a recession, I thought it’d be helpful to toss out a few cost-saving ideas for those looking to tighten the ole’ belt.

 

-Pilfer your neighbors’ Netflixes and drop it in their mailboxes a day later. It’s not stealing, it’s not even borrowing, the mail’s just been “temporarily redirected”.

 

-I considered recommending stealing your grandma’s DVD player, but today’s grandmas will steal it right back, only at gunpoint.

 

“Put it in the bag baby, gimme some of your stuff too.”

“Grandma, I know it’s you, why do you have that scarf tied around your face?”

“You getting’ fresh with me boy?”

“No Grandmama.”

“You think I’m something to fool with?”

“No!”

“I don’t wanna have to remind you again about respecting your elders, done told you before about that mouth…”

 

Anyway, back to conserving cash…

 

-Think in times like these, if it’s ok for soldiers to go on extended tours of duty before R&R with family, then it’s ok for socks, jeans and t-shirts to go on extended tours of duty before getting washed. Rule of thumb, if you can’t smell it from six feet away, then it’s still clean, we’re in lumberjack mode here people.

 

-When it comes to laundry, instead of shouldering the whole load with your own quarters, make a habit of tossing single articles of clothing in other people’s laundry loads. You should be fine as long as you don’t get reckless and drop your work boots in load of some girl’s lingerie.

 

-Ask your friends for rides to important functions (i.e. job, shows, visiting sick loved ones) and casually work unrelated errands into the trip…

 

“Man, thanks again for the lift homie, my cousin’s dog has really been out of it, hopefully this vet can figure things out… Hey, is that a Best Buy AND a Staples side by side? What a coincidence, I just happen to need some DVDs and a swivel chair…”

 

-Don’t buy your own porn anymore; scour married men’s trashcans for discarded DVDs. Your pride will sting for sure, especially if you do it in the daytime (but then again, any man who takes off work to scour trash cans for porn probably isn’t worried about pride, he probably doesn’t have a job either), but at $50 a pop, it’s better for your self-respect to take the hit than your wallet. Hint: the more suburban the development, the more interesting the find. For the most depraved stuff, I’d recommend gated communities and senior housing. If you see a luxury car with a Jesus fish on the back bumper you’ve hit the jackpot, probably gonna see some stuff involving ball gags and electrical tape at a minimum, enjoy.

 

-Every other week, put an empty tithe envelope with a fake name in the collection plate at church. You’re not shortchanging God, you’re shortchanging “Dr.” Winslow (sorry, I feel no allegiance to any pastor who drives a Range Rover to church, still trying to figure out how anyone can preach with all that bling on… c’mon man, did you really need gold rimmed frames for your glasses, or did you decide the other kind made you look too trustworthy?)

 

-Buy $2 bags of day-old bagels from bakeries and sell them to trendy yuppies as “aged” for $2.75 a bagel.

 

-Sell hair from indiscrete body parts to Hair Club for Men

 

-Go to nice restaurants with a couple rats in a duffel bag, turn them loose halfway through your meal and then claim to be a health inspector. Judge me if you want to, but guess who had free Mahi-Mahi three times last week? I love McCormick and Schmicks and now you can too.

 

-Use CGI to create a poorly edited sex tape of John McCain with Kim Kardashian. I know it sounds implausible, but if you set the retail people high enough, people will want to believe it’s real and at least 50 copies will sell.

 

- Finally, for all you fellas who are balding like me, let that hair grow out until you look crazy like Samuel L. Jackson in “Changing Lanes”. How will this save you money?

 

1) Fewer dates

2) Almost a zero chance of ending up with kids to feed (see reason #1)

3) With a diminished self-image, and you’ll get comfortable with a lower standard of living as all senses of vanity, esteem and hope for a brighter future are bound to die, as they should (natural selection). My name is Mike Way and I’m a vain, insecure narcissist; don’t ask me about my beard.