Playing Hooky

Why does it seem like the weather’s always nicest on workdays lately? As I walked in this morning, decided it was way too nice to spend the whole day in the office, but I’m gonna have to be here for the duration today. I may have to be here myself until 5, but that doesn’t mean I can’t brainstorm some ways to help you get your dereliction of duty on. Here’s a few ways to get out of the office in a pinch, feel free to add your own ideas in the comments section

 

1) Feign a stomach illness after lunch, like that Panera Bread hit your tummy in exactly the wrong way (And yes, it’s ok to say tummy when you’re talking about stomach issues, I checked. The rules state the use of “tummy is allowable only for female aerobics instructors, hot chicks who think your pot belly is cute, and anyone with serious stomach issues) Give it about thirty minutes, then start groaning and sighing ever-so-audibly, then 10 minutes later, just stand up and say

 

“You know what? I’m not feeling very well, I think I have to go. Um, yeah, I definitely have to go. I’m gonna go.”

 

Jealous coworkers will look at you suspiciously at first, try to loud-talk you out of it…

 

“You’re leaving? But why? It’s only 2…”

 

Just make a face like you’re about to do critical damage to an innocent toilet and you’ll be home free. No matter how much of a hard-ass your supervisor is or how much of a prick your coworkers are, no one wants the demise of your gastrointestinal system on his or her conscience. That’s the kind of thing people never stop talking about.

 

“You know Gina down in HR don’t you? She’s the one who made Mike sh*t on himself…”

 

2) For the more dignified cubicle dweller, pretend you just got a phone call for a personal emergency. This is where acting really comes into play, better practice your lines in the restroom or parking lot a few times before going live with this show, there is very little room for error. The great thing about this scheme is in the age of cell phones and vibrate you don’t even have to get the phone to ring, just look down at your waist and put the phone to your head

 

“Hello? Hey, how’s it going… well is everything ok? Really? How long? Ok, I’ll be right there…”

 

Grab your bag and jacket, you should look stressed and in a hurry like you don’t have time to get into detail…

 

“Um, I have to go, probably won’t be back today, shoot me an email if you need anything, I may not be available this afternoon but I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

 

The less you say the worse people will think it is. You’re not lying to anyone, you just forgot to tell people that nothing was wrong.

 

3) For the desperate type, you could always make up an office errand, like a walk to the post office, and then just happen to get “slightly” hit by a car on the way. The office will be so nervous about you suing, no one will protest you going home. You might get a skinned knee or broken fibula, but at least you’ll have a skinned knee or broken fibula in the sunshine.

 

4) Two words: Bomb Threat. Might get arrested, but it probably won’t be until Monday, and who wants to work Monday anyway?

 

5) Take your plastic applesauce spoon and tunnel through the back wall of the copier room. Could be embarrassing if you tunnel through the wrong part of the wall wall and end up digging your way into the conference room, especially if it’s during a meeting, best to check some architectural plans first.

 

6) Wikipedia religious holidays for that day of the week and claim to be whatever obscure religion has that day off.

 

“I’m sorry Gina, it’s the Mayan New Year and I need to be with my family, you know how that is...”

 

7) Slip some ether into the office ventilation system. It’s a little Joker-esque, but as long as there’s no ransom note or property damage, I don’t think you can be charged with a crime.

 

8) Get stinking drunk at lunch and come back to the office reeking of Jack Daniels, accompanied by a woman who is clearly a prostitute but whom you insist on introducing as your new fiancée. Can’t think of a louder cry for help than finding a hooker in the daytime and bringing her to work, if this doesn’t get you sent home, nothing will.

 

9) Cause two office rivals to get in a physical altercation with each other. While everyone’s distracted with talking to the cops and trying to get that stapler out of Clayton’s sphincter without taking him to the hospital, you can be catnapping in the park or driving to the beach.

 

10) As a last resort, try crying vociferously, but don’t say what’s making you upset. Every time someone asks you what’s wrong, begin a heavy-sounding sentence and just start crying harder.

 

“I just…”

“I’m trying to….”

“It’s too much….”

 

This should get you out of the office, but it might be the only suggestion that’s less dignified than the monumental diarrhea. Is actually probably more straightforward to just quit your job, at least you’d have your self-respect.

 

 

I suppose if you had real courage you could just walk up to your boss and say

 

“You know what, it’s too nice out to be cooped up in an office all afternoon. I’m going to a baseball game; I’ll see you Monday. You should get out of here too.”

 

But let’s be honest if you had that kind of leadership potential, you’d probably have a more fun job and wouldn’t want to leave work anyway. I think that’s the real reason, we dislike people who like their jobs too much; they still enjoy working on pretty days. My name is Mike and nobody asked my opinion in the first place.