A lot of news programs have started showing their correspondents reporting from within the newsroom workspace, using the field of desks as backdrops and the employees as involuntarily extras. I notice this a lot whenever they do the financial news where you’d think people would possibly want to concentrate. Seems like that would make for a distracting work environment, so here’s some fun ways to distract the correspondents back, or at least ruin the segment so the producers will stop scheduling shoots there…
“Old Faithful”: Yell “Fire!” and pull the sprinkler alarm. Simple and never gets old. You may find yourself getting asked some tough questions in the security office by day’s end. Should probably plan to stay a little late, best to cancel that spin class.
“Classless Act”: Pick your nose with otherworldly focus and wipe your “findings” on the inside lip of a coworker’s coffee mug. For and added creep-factor, make sure you stare directly in the camera the whole time. They can’t fire you for being disgusting, can they?
“The Pied Piper”: Pick up a cake from Giant, throw some candles on it and start slowly pacing the office singing “Happy Birthday”. Your coworkers won’t know who you’re singing to, but as long as you look like you have a destination in mind, they’ll be too embarrassed not join in and start walking with you. The average human brain has a very low resistance to both cake and shame, which is fitting since one is likely to lead to the other.
“Won’t You Be My Neighbor?”: Cut into correspondent-anchor dialogue with inappropriate banter. Imagine yourself as that talkative but senile old neighbor who you always seems to trap you in a conversation as you’re running out on your way somewhere… “Hey. Psst. Hey Bill. Bill. What, you on TV so you don’t know me now? It’s Mr. Griffith, huh? I know you can hear me BILL. What you two talking about, the state of business? Shoot, I can tell you right now, business is bad. B-A-double D-BADD. You putting up all these charts and graphs, making everybody’s head hurt, don’t know whether they coming or going. You need to stop messin’ around, tell these people to save their money. And it’s gonna be bad for a while to isn’t it? Isn’t it? That’s right, better stop buying all that X-bocks and Entindo Wii and put yo money away NOW! it’s gonna be pork and beans for at least three years… Store’s look at me, I’m like ‘don’t look at me baby, I just come to the Mall for an air-conditioned walk’, I ain’t buying a damn thing and neither should you… Whatchu looking at me like that fo? Aight, go-on finish your little segment then… that’s how it goes, give a Youngblood his start and soon as you turn your back he goes all Hollywood on you…”
Whoa, that one was long even for me, completely lost track of what I was talking about. Think I started channeling Richard Pryor’s Mudbone about halfway through that too, moving on…
“Mr. Sandman”: Fall asleep at your desk. Don’t just put your head down though like it’s a controlled nap, let us the viewers feel your struggle to stay awake. Work the semi-conscious drunken ostrich head-bob for a while, next the junkie lean and then let your head crash to the keyboard, “inadvertently” typing twelve pages of the letters v, b and n. If the segment goes for more than 90 seconds, fall out of your chair and make sure the chair falls with you. They will never shoot in front of your desk again. Of course, by that point it may not be your desk anymore, but that’s another story.
“Silent but Deadly”: Wear a gas mask and parachute to work with your business suit and Vineyard Vines necktie. Don’t say anything to anyone, don’t explain anything, don’t even acknowledge the stares, just sit down at your desk and start returning emails as if everything’s normal, see how long it takes before people start thinking of reasons to leave the office. Eventually your manager’s patience is going to be exhausted, but I promise you the words “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” will never sound so sweet. For this exercise, please note it’s extremely important to hide your coffee cup so you don’t absent-mindedly try to take a drink with your mask still on, there’s nothing funny about a scalded groin. Unless of course you’re watching someone else scald his groin; that’s fun for the whole family.
“Joker’s Wild”: An exercise in orchestrating mayhem. Start loud-talking about how whoever stole your bagel has 30 seconds to return it or everybody’s getting reported for their expense report indiscretions. At the same time, pick the first coworker walking by your desk, think of the worst thing you can to say about that person and tell that person that some coworker said that thing about him or her. Make sure it’s a coworker you’ve always disliked, there’s nothing more empowering than delegating a beat-down. Repeat this process for the next 2-3 passersby until your office looks like a Shiroiwan battle royale. While roughly half a dozen of your esteemed colleagues engage in a life-or-death struggle with each other, using very expensive flat screen monitors as means for rupturing their “teammates” internal organs, pull out a boombox and start playing “Ladies Night” by Kool and the Gang. Maybe the execs at CNBC will think viewers might still care about what’s happening to the Nasdaq with all that going on, maybe this particular correspondent has the focus of a jedi knight, but my guess is they’ll cut to commercial and relocate to the washroom. Note: Do not attempt this within 3 months of your evaluation; incidents like these will affect your review.
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