How to Get Your Name on the No-Fly List

4.10.08

 

How to Get Your Name on the No-Fly List

 

American Airlines is canceling 900 flights today. 900. That’s a lot of irate businessmen taking their alpha-male aggression out at customer service counters. How many times can an attendant say “We regret any inconvenience these delays may be causing you” before it loses its punch? Bet each soon-to-be-bitter executive mentions that they have a business or first class ticket at least twice.

 

“What do you mean the flight’s been canceled? I have a first class ticket.”

“Sir I’m aware of that, but if the plane can’t take off for safety reasons you can understand how that is.”

“Of course I can understand, I have a first class ticket. I’m a senior Vice President at Morgan Stanley, I’m the one who merged Sears with Roebuck…”

“Sir that’s great, but if you’ll…”

“…I said to him ‘Roebuck, you’ll never last on your own, that name is holding you back good buddy, what you need to do is hook up with a trustworthy American name, like Sears…”

“Sir, if you’ll please sit down, someone will be announcing updates very shortly…”

“Is it you?”

“Me?”

“Are you the one making the announcements?”

“Possibly.”

“You should just say that then. I don’t know how they teach you guys to do your jobs around here but where I come from …”

“Sir I’m gonna have ask you to keep your voice down and take a seat…”

“Oh, so now I’m being disruptive? You want me to sit down and shut up, that’s it, huh? I’m just trying to get some answers, I paid good money-Hey who are these guys? What… waitaminute, I’m in first class… those are hurting my wrists… where are you taking me?”

 

I love people who ask “where are you taking me?” You know where you’re going bro, and you know it’s probably going to involve some questioning, some probing, maybe a little taze or two for good measure. Truthfully you’re right to be worried, but it’s a little late. Seems like if you were really worried about it, maybe you should’ve kept your voice down. Seems like if you were really worried, maybe you should’ve sat down.

 

That’s a good rule to live by in general, you can cut up and act crazy all you want at 7-11 or Wawa, but when in any place that has security, if someone says “Sir I’m gonna have to ask you to…” don’t keep trying to make your point, just shut up and do whatever they say. Make like you’re in one of those futuristic societies where the whole civilization’s turned into a unitarded pill-taking concentration camp, and nobody wants to be put on the bad box car or be selected for “processing”.

 

You should remember you’re not the VP of American Airlines. Think there was a breakdown in basic deductive reasoning somewhere along the way anyway. The poor attendant is wearing a golf shirt, khaki shorts and Keds to work, how much do you really think she can help you anyway? I’ve seen people who get flights redirected, who can really “look into the matter”; they all wear ties, and they don’t stand at the service counter making flight announcements.

 

You’re probably realizing that yourself as you’re being “escorted” to a “private inspection area” “for your safety and comfort”, but it’s too late now. The only thing worse than having a man’s hand force it’s way up your virgin bum is the knowledge that you made it happen, congratulations hotshot, very executive.