Normal People Don’t Wear Ponchos

I own one and I’m saying it anyway. Have a bright yellow poncho, by Nautica, like that makes it any better. I used to wear it a lot back in college whenever it rained, would skulk around campus looking like the world’s cheeriest druid. Being seen in a poncho didn’t faze me at the time; I guess when you’re in school, you’re too tired, hungry and poor to get hung up on fashion. The rules were lax for everybody on everything. I couldn’t tell whether it was weirder that some people wore flip-flops and shorts to graduation or that no one seemed too bothered by it. It’s your big day, your day to “shine”, four years in the making, and you can’t stand to wear real shoes for two hours? How are you’re gonna receiving a document that recognizes you as an adult and you can’t even stand to dress like one. I’m such an old-head sometimes, can tell I’m gonna be that elderly dude yelling at young people from my front porch, threatening to tell them stories about “the Great War” if they don’t turn that music down…

 

Back to the original point, ponchos can be marginally acceptable, but only for a limited range of situations. First the rain has to be coming down in torrents, like on Jurassic Park just before the power went out. Anything less than that, you should count on spending half your morning running in circles asking people to give you your backpack back. It’s not even cruel, you can’t walk around looking that ridiculous in a misting or light summer shower. So the first rule is there must be rain. Second, there are a few select jobs where a poncho is allowable.

 

1)  Soldier. As a rule you can wear whatever you want when you’re authorized to take lives

 

2)  Camp Counselor. Everything at camp is goofy anyway and the kids are already wearing them, would probably be creepier if you didn’t wear one

 

3)  Weatherperson at Hurricane sight. You’re going to get clobbered by a flying Dodge Caravan any moment anyway, we’re comfortable letting you wear what works for you. Besides, if you were stupid enough not to quit when they gave you that assignment, no one thinks much of your judgment in the first place

 

4)  Superhero just discovering his powers. See “Unbreakable”. You’re still getting used to being able to pick up cars, we don’t you haven’t had time to coordinate a super-ensemble yet

 

5)  Crossing Guard. We’re just happy you’re not offering the kids candy as they cross the street

 

6) School Bus Driver. See “Crossing Guard”

 

7)  Letter Carrier: The Post Office has already got you driving trucks with the steering wheel on the wrong side, wearing safari hats in the summer and the Russian ushanka trapper hats in the winter, a poncho in the rain is only fitting. No wonder you guys go bananas every few years.

 

8)  Suburban Moms: Between the navel high white khaki pants, and the annoying sound of your voice when you’re at your son’s soccer games screaming “C’mon Billy”, “Go Billy” and “Do you want to bring your friends over for frozen pizza?”, there’s really no way you could be less cool, might as well stay dry.

 

9)  Priest. See “Crossing Guard”. Cheap shot aside, that is actually one of the few cool things about religion, no one questions your fashion choices, not in America at least. Cape? Go for it? 3-foot tall hat? Why not? Turban or burqa? Well… you can wear it, just plan on being at airports a little earlier, by about 12-16 hours. Probably best if you send your family to another security gate, no child should see their father like that.

 

10) Crazy Hobo. You’re eating out of trash cans and talking to people who aren’t there at metro stations, think you’ve earned a little artistic license. To be honest, you can wear whatever you want as long as you’re not breathing on us (how is it possible for a mouth to smell WORSE than a sphincter?).

 

Third rule, these fashion rules don’t apply to women. Women can wear whatever they want. If a woman called you up and told you she was coming to see you wearing only a poncho, that’d be the hottest thing you’d ever heard of in your personal social life. You’d be “done” before she even hung up the phone. Even the rules of the season don’t apply. It’s even better if she makes that call in cold weather, why, I don’t know. That’s the kind of phone call wives and long-term girlfriends never make, no sane woman is going to drive fifteen miles basically naked in a cold Chevy Lumina just to please a man who’s heard her poot. Would be still cool though; was just thinking about it a second ago and the first phrase that popped in my head was “Hark the Herald” for some reason. Totally inappropriate, I’ve got a lot of praying to do tonight.

 

In any case, that’s how it goes with women in ponchos; they can get away with it because they can get away with almost anything. The rules are very different for men. If a man called you up and told you he was coming to see you wearing only a poncho, the horror of that phone call and that imagery would stay with you for years. You’d call the police and they’d be horrified too, end up going overboard and showing up with a full tact team and assault chopper just to take down an unarmed pervert. That man’s arrest footage would be used as a case study on the meaning of “excessive force”.

 

“…see how the officers mash his face into the pavement while cuffing him? If we play back the audio, you can overhear several officers calling him a sick f*ck in succession, asking him repeatedly if he “wants to die, f*cker” and promising to “grant his wish”. I think Officer Wilson actually used the inflammatory –er variant of N-word, which is doubly confounding since the suspect is Caucasian and as you all know Officer Wilson is a ni- uh, African-American. As you can imagine, this is not the kind of professionalism we aspire to here at the DCPD…”

 

Rain wear can unite and it can divide people, please shop responsibly; just because it’s Nautica, doesn’t mean it’s okay. My name is Mike and yes I really just spent that much time talking about ponchos.