Earth Day

Woke up this morning and saw a PSA talking about how Earth Day was this week. Even though environmentalists are right, it doesn’t mean their tone isn’t obnoxious and condescending sometimes. Have you ever met anyone, in your whole life, who was like

 

“You know what? I don’t care about the Earth. I don’t care about the environment, I don’t care about fish, or giraffes, or nature. I just want to litter and consume as many fossil fuels as I can before I die.”

 

Has ANYONE ever met someone like that? No. Yet sometimes it feels like die-hard environmentalists really believe that’s what the rest of us are like. Anybody with as much self-righteous hubris as these fools deserves to have their noses tweaked a little, whether they’re right in principle or not. In the spirit of said tweaking, I’ve compiled a list of unnecessarily antisocial ways to annoy them back...

 

Comments That Will Enrage Even the Most Passive Environmentalist:

 

“I don’t understand why you keep driving all the way to the dump to trash those used computer parts, isn’t there a river bed by your house? Toss it there, save that gas money.”

 

“Yo son, check out my new Hummer! …what kind of mileage does it get on the highway? Who cares? I’m all city with my driving baby… no I don’t carpool, that’s for poor people and savages! Hah, you’re right, they ARE one and the same!”

 

“Just leave the engine running, I’ll only be 30 minutes or so.”

 

“Yeah, we can go to Walmart in just a second honey, I just gotta find a place to get rid of all this old motor oil… ooh, is that a storm drain? Perfect. Compost heap? Even better.”

 

“I personally don’t think there’s any better security than a house with all the lights on. If every room isn’t lit with 100 watts or more, you’re just asking for trouble…”

 

“I’d kill five California condors if it’d bring my Pepco bill down some. Wouldn’t even use a real weapon, just get up close and brain em with dead car batteries. Give me a dead condor and ten minutes with a fry cooker, I’ll serve up the biggest, gamiest chicken nuggets you ever did see, tastes even better than bald eagle…”

 

“…I’m just sayin’, the cost of all this air conditioning is killing me… sure I could close the front door sometimes, but then I’d have to get up all over again whenever someone came over, now THAT’s a waste of energy.”

 

“Anybody know where I can score some Freon? No, I don’t have a car or an air conditioner, I just thought it’d be cool to set a can off under a beehive or maybe a bird’s nest…”

 

“Environmentalists are just people who like girls with really poor hygiene. How are you gonna manage cleaning the Earth and you can’t even clean yourself? Wish they cared about their colleagues’ work environment as much as they fret about the damn forest. Whole body smelling like the inside of a shoe… which is a real mystery to me because they don’t wear shoes. I think that’s why they like hugging trees, because trees can’t turn hugs down.”

 

“If it was really wrong to kill baby seals, the coats made of them wouldn’t look so damn fly.”

 

“That new show Ax Men on the History Channel is the best thing on TV.”

 

“You know what this playground needs? More plastics.”

 

“You know what this park needs? More parking.”

 

If none of that gets Johnny Appleseed frothing at the mouth, spitting a cacophony of “I’ll have you know”s and spilling a $6 cup of Starbucks coffee all over his new Greenpeace tote bag, if he gets any less upset than that, if he isn’t thinking about permanently impairing your short term memory capacity with the business end of a fire extinguisher, you need to kneel at that man’s feet and pledge your allegiance; for he is “The One” the Oracle spoke of, the One who will free us from the Matrix and save Zion.

 

My name is Mike and I’m an impudent generalizing heathen who should have his favorite typing hand cut off and mailed to him.