Testing Filaments and Rocket Skates

Dating is not for the faint of heart in 2008. The rules of the game change constantly, like trying to vote in the South during the Reconstruction; it’s not uncommon to get sent home completely frustrated and feeling like less than a man. Everyone who knows me personally knows that I don’t have the slightest idea what I’m doing out there. Anyone who wrote and posted his last blog entry at 10:30 on a Friday night will never be mistaken for Hitch.

 

My “method” (if one were charitable enough to call it that) amounts to simple, bone crushing, pride-swallowing trial and error. Almost but not quite the cool kind like where Edison was testing filaments for the light bulb; my style is more reminiscent of the Coyote chasing the Road Runner, convincing himself believe maybe the rocket skates will work THIS time.

 

That being said, I can’t tell you any “lines” that will help you close escrow with the opposite sex. What I can do is mention a few soundbytes you’ll probably want to avoid at all costs, at any point in the evening, or in life. Consider these a few less filaments for you to test; those skates will probably work this time…

 

“Would you like to try some of my bratwurst?”

 

“Don’t be so paranoid baby, I’m sayin’, it don’t even burn anymore”

 

“What are you talking about? I AM aroused.”

 

“I work on Wall Street.”

 

“You know, David Alan Grier is not that bad looking as a woman.”

 

“You know how many calories are in those things?”

 

“Wish I could remember how old these condoms were…”

 

“My kid is going to love you. That is, when he gets out of juvie… It wasn’t entirely his fault though, if the babysitter didn’t want it, he wouldn’t have been wearing those shorts…”

 

“So what are your thoughts on abortion?”

 

“You don’t know how limber you can be until you try hooking up on a twin size bed.”

 

“Your sister is not that bad looking as a woman.”

 

“I’m sayin’, we don’t have to START with that hole, we can work our way up to it…”

 

“Have you read the latest issues of ‘Astonishing X-Men’ and ‘New Avengers’?”

 

“Oh, was I supposed to be listening just now?”

 

“Where is the bathroom? Don’t think that bratwurst was such a good idea…”

 

“You’re pretty hungry there, aren’t you girl?”

 

“I have a van.”