As election season winds to a close, it’s becoming clear that this most dignified horse race may be slipping away from the McCain-Palin ticket. The Republicans are one bad turn from breaking out insults about Obama’s mama and if things get much worse I fully expect Cindy McCain to storm the next Democratic fundraiser and try to start a food fight. Because I have no idea what I’ll watch on television once this election is over, I’ve taken it upon myself to jot down a few ideas may or may not help the McCain camp tighten things up in these last few weeks. These may not keep the race close, but they’ll at least keep it interesting…
-Burn your own house down and imply the DNC and Washington insiders had something to do with it.
-Call Obama “uppity” at tonight’s debate and demand he refrain from making eye contact with “his superiors”.
-Refer to Michelle Obama as “surprisingly articulate”, “the most relevant black woman since Butterfly McQueen” and sit back as Michelle goes ballistic the next day, terrifying white people both here and abroad for the next 12-16 years.
-Encourage Sarah Palin to criticize Malia and Natasha Obama for “not playing enough hockey”.
-Drop an anvil on his head from a cliff. It almost worked for Wile E. Coyote, and this guy can’t be as fast as the road runner, what have you got to lose?
-Get taken hostage by Islamic insurgents, who want to see another 10 billion in federal earmarks and pork barrel spending and insist on breaking one of your arms again just to show they mean business. Have Keifer Sutherland embark on an ill-advised solo rescue mission, and when he gets captured, mount an effort to rescue and carry him out of danger with your one good arm. Have a photographer on site when you bring Keifer across the border to friendly soil, make you’ve got a grenade pin lodged in your teeth. Poster slogan: “John McCain: Real American Hero.”
-Use CGI to create 80’s footage of Obama in Chicago, warming his hands over an oil drum full of burning babies and miscellaneous puppy parts.
-Have Sarah Palin challenge Joe Biden to a winner-take-all wet t-shirt contest.
-Start arriving at campaign events in a hot air balloon, sporting a top hat and spats and challenging random onlookers to a race around the world.
-Show up to tonight’s debate in a pair of ass-less chaps and stiletto leather boots. When your opponent looks puzzled, call him intolerant and talk about how you’re committed to bringing real change to Washington.
-Set up a photo op where Sarah Palin field dresses a still-breathing donkey, followed by the now-cold remains of John Edward’s career.
-Edit together an ad implying Obama was somehow involved with 9/11, Apartheid and the beheading of John the Baptist
-Get Tom Clancy to re-issue his books and re-dub his movies substituting the name John McCain in place of Jack Ryan
-Offer an incentive package to pundits who mispronounce your name as John McClane at least twice per broadcast. Everybody loves Diehard dude, you probably should’ve named Bruce Willis as your running mate.
-Schedule a concert featuring Seal, Mary J. Blige, and U2. Could there be a more unifying image than that of John McCain doing the worm to Mary J. Blige’s “Just Fine”? Wouldn’t matter if he supported the dissolution of civil liberties and questioned whether the Holocaust actually happened, no one can resist an old guy doing the worm.
The right to vote is probably wasted on people like me, thank you Lyndon Johnson.
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