I’m a devout MSNBC viewer. I know it’s got a shameless liberal bias that I have to constantly winnow through for some semblance of truth, but Keith Olbermann cracks me up. Would rather read the day’s top stories off a bathroom wall or used toilet tissue before watching Fox News. That channel is so conservative I’ve considered using a map and thumbtacks to keep track of cities where the station’s number one, so I know where not to take interracial dates or be found walking the streets without a King James Bible in hand. Of course there’s CNN, but who can get their news from a guy named Lou Dobbs? That’s not a good name for news, sounds like somebody who makes cheesesteaks for a living, maybe spends his free time scalping tickets to gun shows and getting hustled out of his mortgage money in backwater billiard halls.
As I mentioned yesterday, I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to watch once this election is over. Heaven knows it won’t be “LockUp”. I’ll never understand the placement of that show; does the standard MSNBC viewer really need to be reminded that jail is not a nice place? Do middle class middle-aged white people ever forget to be scared of disadvantaged minorities or big Aryan dudes who want to make you one of their wives?
They should run that show on other channels where it could maybe do something useful, like right after Scarface airs for the zillionth time. Or maybe after those music videos where people act like they’ve got “hustle” just because they’re willing rhyme about to shedding blood and trafficking life-destroying narcotics into their own communities. Ooh, what enterprising individuals you are gentlemen, Andrew Carnegie would be proud, not to mention Dr. King. Such a sound logic… “Hey, why wait for ‘the Man’ to destoy us when we can destroy ourselves? That’ll show ‘em, we’re our own men…”
It’s like some bad brainstorming session. Can’t seem to get out of the hood? I got it, let’s make it look like the hood is an amazing place to be, a magical place, a place no one would ever want to leave. Look at all my cars and name brand sh*t! Look at my hat, it’s made of terrycloth, look at my shoes, this is the only time I’ll ever wear them. Isn’t that great? Definitely makes up for not developing character, growing as a person, or empathizing with other human beings, right?
C’mon dog, let’s glorify a life that is bereft of hope or opportunity. C’mon dog, let’s glorify a life devoid of a basic innocent smile, a smile free and unfettered by a lifetime of socio-economic baggage, or a laugh free of scorn, a laugh free of the kind of pain that can only be masked with haughtiness to stay sane. C’mon dog, let’s glorify a life where the most esteemed virtue is not real courage but rather a willingness to die, a willingness predicated not on grit, sacrifice or conviction to a higher ideal, only on the tragic belief that you have nothing left to lose. Yes sir, that sho is deep baby, we got this gangsta sh*t on lock son, let’s lay down some tracks, cause nothing says “party” and “dance” like a man with nothing to live for.
But hold on, it doesn’t just stop with you video whores. You’re so good at what you do, you’ve gone and influenced a whole generation of youths. They don’t want to read or think about doing anything constructive that might make this world substantively better for their children, they wanna play ball and ‘stack dat paper’ so they can grow up just to be like your dumb ass. Yeah, maybe they’ll die, maybe they’ll end up in jail, maybe they’ll get strung out on those fine narcotics you shipped them. Maybe they’re lost causes about to run out of time, but not before they lay down to hump the unprotected taint meat of every female they can get their hands on, spreading legs, spreading disease, spreading seed, creating truckloads of more misbegotten muthaf*ckas along the way, insuring that the cycle will never end.
Congratulations dear sirs, job well done, this is going to be a wonderful environment for me to one day bring up my kids in, I’m so happy for this opportunity. Stressing whether somebody’s going to beat the living hell out of my son on the school bus because he’s eight and still smiles and didn’t grow out of Bugs Bunny fast enough for their taste, or wondering whether some ignorant cornholer is going to catcall my daughter, daydream about pouring champagne off her ass, call her a bitch or “stuck up” just because she doesn’t want to give him her phone number or worse. What a brilliant, sweeping plan, a real stroke of genius. Excuse me if I don’t sound completely overjoyed; am just a little preoccupied right now hoping I can one day come up with something just as fun and fulfilling…
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…Man, how the hell did I get so off topic? That’s the danger of free association and stream of consciousness writing. Right or wrong, feels like I just missed the bar in a trapeze act. Just realized this very moment that’s probably how my career is going to end. I’m gonna get real close to serious success and then f*ck up all these years of work with a random Cosby-esque outburst, only without the lovable sweater collection and high-class courderoys. What a sideshow that will be. Right or wrong, Jesse Jackson’s going to talk about cutting my nuts off and Al Sharpton’s going to imply that I’m “the worst kind of Tom”. Gonna end up with a reputation as an angry comic, will only be able to get gigs in Spike Lee Joints and John McCain rallies if I’m lucky, but in all likelihood will probably end up wherever Michael Richards ended up, picking up truckers’ spunky Kleenexes off the floors of some run-down porn theater in Beaver County, Pennsylvania. Man, this comedy thing was a good investment of time and energy. Maybe I should sit down for some Lou Dobbs after all…
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