Swan-derful

Saw “Black Swan” this week at the AFI theater in Silver Spring. Me and what looked to be at least a half dozen Walter Matthau and Shirley MacLaine look-a-likes. I was the only man in the theater under 55 and the only man not wearing a tan corduroy blazer. I don’t wanna get too sidetracked, but this needs to be said; older people talk a LOT in movie theaters, especially middle-aged women who are out with their moms.

To be fair, “my” people talk a lot in movie theaters too, but at least it’s entertaining sometimes. Once I was watching “The Matrix: Reloaded” at one of the stadium-seated theaters at Arundel Mills, when one of my people in a wheelchair decided to ask his friends at the top of his lungs
“Hey dog, why can’t I sit up top witchoo? I wanna sit up there. What y’all watching, Matrix? Yeah I heard it was tight, looks like er’ybody got good seats, plenty of LEGroom…”

He thought it’d be funny, and to his credit it was. It was funny watching somebody eventually get up to go tell on a guy in a wheelchair. It was funny watching the usher come in and try to wheel him out of there without looking like a sadist. It was funny learning how uncomfortable a guy in a wheelchair could make a roomful of strangers, which turned out to be basically as uncomfortable as any man can make a roomful of strangers withOUT exposing his genitals. I remember being annoyed at the time, but at least the awkwardness gave my brother and I a good laugh on the ride home.

The group I was in earshot of at the AFI was not so entertaining, or I guess only about as entertaining as a middle-aged woman and her mom would be in any situation. This fun bunch did nothing but ask questions, questions about things that had JUST happened on the screen. The movie’s only been on for five minutes, how can you be so lost already? Oh I know; it’s because you spent the first four minutes asking questions about the cast.
“Is that Barbara Hershey?”
“She looks older than when she was in ‘Kung Fu’.”
“Who’s the young girl?”
“Wasn’t she in Star Wars?”
“I did not like those movies”
“You didn’t see those movies.”
“I don’t have to see them to not like them.”
“…”
“Is she Jewish?”
“I don’t know.”
“She looks Jewish”
“…”
“What’s happening now?”
“I’m not sure, I think she’s a dancer, so I guess she’s getting ready to dance.”
“I swear I can’t follow this movie… why is that black guy glaring at us?”
“I don’t know but he sure is rude…”

Chatty McChattersons aside, “Black Swan” was a beast of a film. Can’t recall the last time I saw something that disturbed and stayed with me as much as this movie. Think I have to go all the way back to Linda Blair and yeasty crucifixes. Not sure if it’s the best picture of the year, but it definitely affected me more than all the other Best Picture nominees I’ve seen so far (King’s Speech, Inception, The Fighter, True Grit, The Social Network). Lost track of the number of times I leaned back or winced in horror, covered my mouth to smother a teenybopper-grade gasp, or literally sat on the edge of my seat without breathing. Whatever the number was, it made me forget I had just paid five dollars for a microwave hot dog in the lobby.

Love ballet, ballet music and all the fine arts with the same passion that I love football, the Olympics and great movies. Seeing people push themselves to the limits of their capabilities makes even the most jaded, broken parts of the psyche believe in magic again, and strive to make a little magic in its own world, or at least I sure I’ve heard something like that at one of these Academy Award ceremonies. I do love the arts and what they do for me, but I’m not sure how or why anyone does that stuff or sports for a living. We as modern spectators don’t really respect anything that doesn’t involve massive, near-crippling amounts of pain, sacrifice and most likely a tattered excuse for a personal life, complete with an ex that hates you to the very core of your soul and kids who can’t wait to put out a sex tape. If you’re lucky, we the people will reward you for your months and years of hard work and denying yourself with a brief round of applause and the opportunity to try and entertain us again down the road. Only whatever you do next had better be even more breathtaking than the last thing you did or we’ll forget you entirely, remembering your name only long enough to pummel you until you wish you’d never been born, and then have the nerve to look perplexed and disappointed when we hear you’ve locked yourself in a room at the Plaza Hotel with a duffel bag full of uppers and an extremely frightened call girl who desperately wishes she had let the new girl Rachel pick up this gig.

If Natalie Portman ends up walking around with a duffel bag full of uppers one day, she’s certainly earned the right with “Black Swan”. If I ever do something that good, am going to retire immediately and spend the rest of my life tweeting snarky remarks about other people’s work until they lock themselves in a room at the Plaza Hotel. Fate probably knows I would do that, that’s why I’m not Natalie Portman. Too bad, but she’s probably better at being Natalie Portman anyway.

It’s cool and surreal watching people hit the next gear with the quality of their work, forces you to mature against your will. Used to like her because she was hot, now I just think she’s crazy good at acting, up there with Ian KcKellen, Audrey Hepburn, Denzel Washington and Kenneth Branagh. I think Ian McKellen is in the running for my favorite living actor right now. Was watching Lord of the Rings for the 87th time last week, because that’s what winners do on Sundays. When I was a kid, used to think it must be easy being an actor, but I don’t think I’d ever be able as a grown man to dress up as a wizard and pretend to fight a flame-engulfed dragon-thingy that wasn’t there. Especially not in front of a crew that’s all walking around in normal people clothes drinking Starbucks. If I have dress up as a wizard, everyone else on the set needs to dress up as a wizard, or at least rock out with that hobbit jheri curl. Love the way Ian McKellen commits to that dragon-thingy scene, delivers his lines with a conviction reserved for biblical epics and slam-dunk zingers in presidential debates. Watching him and Natalie Portman work make me feel extra guilty for all the Jessica Alba movies I’ve sat through. To this day I think it’s only been two so far, but that’s still probably three too many. I’m not saying she’s not a good actress but I would be surprised if any of her movies ever have the chance to get talked through by middle-aged women and their possibly anti-Semitic moms at the AFI Theater.

Go see “Black Swan” if you get a chance. Stay away from the hot dogs.