Ohhh Mel...

"Hi. I'm Mel Gibson's career. Been asleep for a few years, but I'm finally feeling saucy and ready to bust a move again. Hey, Mel didn't happen to make any insane-sounding racist misogynist rants while I was out, did he? Oh, he did? Well would you look at that, naptime again. Was a promising six months, tell Jimmy Kimmel I said sorry about the lard. Nighty night America, guess the next time you'll see me will be on the "colleagues we lost" montage at the 120th academy awards."

"Hey. I'm Mel Gibson's fictional son EMelio. My dad didn't happen to make any insane-sounding racist misogynist rants did he? Because I was just starting to make genuine friends at school, friends who don't constantly pester me for "some of that 'Passion' money", or ask me what my Dad's like, if he wears blue face paint to the dinner table or if he's an insane-sounding racist misogynist nut job in real life or just on voicemail. It's been tough enough trying to find even the smallest scrap of legitimate-feeling identity in my father's shadow. Sure am glad he hasn't gone on any insane-sounding racist misogynist rants or anything. Oh, he did? Well would you look at that, naptime again. Guess this propofol should wear off sometime September. Not sure what school will be like this fall, but odds are I'll be taking more punishment than Jim Caviezel."

"Sup y’all. This is Roger Murtaugh. No, not Danny Glover. I'm Mel Gibson's jock strap. Mel named me Murtaugh because I'm always riding his jock. So glad Mel finally put some of his insane-sounding racist misogynist rants on wax. Been telling him for years those flows are classic, he could be bigger than Kanye with the right exposure. You gotta admit the misogyny is especially breathtaking. Any ignorant, poorly-read reactionary amateur can drop some convincingly intolerant grand-wizard quality bigotry, but it takes years of hard work, strenuously selfless teeth-gnashing, narcissistic women-hatred and just plain 'wanting it' to make hip-hop lyrics seem antiquated and genteel. I'm proud to say we've set a new standard, Mel is the Michael Phelps of “keeping it real”. So glad he finally listened to me, this is going to be a new day for my man Mel, I can just feel it... Then again, what do I know? I hang around a butthole all day."

"Um, yes, I’m Dr. Peter Silberman, clinical psychologist. Kind of embarrassing to admit, but uh, I had a patient by the name of Gibson, seems to have gone missing. Claimed to be sent here from the future, believed a computer company was on their way to manufacturing robotic assassins and would eventually be responsible for some sort of nuclear Armageddon. Kept referring to it as “Judgement Day”, freaked out when we showed him a clip of “Pumping Iron”. We attempted an experimental form of immersive hypno- therapy where we convinced him he was not really from the future but rather an insane-sounding racist misogynist. He didn't by chance get out and start terrorizing his ex-girlfriend did he? Because he trusted us to be discrete and keep him locked up tight until he was better, something about a precariously fragile public image to protect. Oh he did get out? Caught on tape telling his ex “she should just smile and blow him”? “Because he deserves it”? Raped by a pack of… Fiddlesticks. I don't suppose anyone's knows the web address of monster.com? Oh, it’s www.monster.com? Well I guess that makes sense, it’s my attention to detail that’s gotten me this far. Could someone tell Mel I have his Xanax?"

"This is Mike's copy of 'Payback'. If you see Mel, tell him to please be quiet, Mike's trying to enjoy the movie."

"Hello, my name is Daniel Lebern Glover. The next buster to ask me about Mel Gibson is getting an ax handle to the windpipe. Stay blessed."